Guide Spotlight: Sharing support amid pregnancy loss

Karen Lencke, a Midwife, Registered Nurse, and Cleo Guide, let us in on the ways pregnancy loss is often experienced and how she’s able to support those going through it.

October 19, 2021

The potential for loss is a challenging and difficult reality of pregnancy, occurring at a rate of approximately 1 in 4. As with all journeys to parenthood, how one moves through it—from simply calibrating and managing expectations to an actual experience of loss—is unique and highly personal. Karen Lencke, a Midwife, Registered Nurse, and Cleo Guide, let us in on the ways pregnancy loss is often experienced and how she’s able to support those going through it.

At any given time, our team is supporting someone through a loss

Most pregnancy loss occurs within the first trimester as the result of abnormalities in fetal development. While loss may be quite normal and natural in terms of biology, it can profoundly color our relationship with pregnancy, especially to those for whom pregnancy is very much wanted but has not come easily.

Loss often features most prominently for those going through in vitro fertilization (IVF). They are more likely to have experienced a previous loss and are highly attuned to the varying success rates of IVF: on average, 60% of embryo transfers are successful, leaving a relatively high percentage, 40%, to end in loss.

“I try to engage our members going through IVF early to ensure they have a support system in place—whether that’s with us, among friends and family, or by connecting them with a mental health provider who understands what they’re going through—and especially as they go into the egg retrieval and transfer process. That waiting period can be especially difficult; it’s important to validate their feelings and be there as a sounding board.”

Karen also likes to recommend our fertility support groups to the IVF families she supports. They often focus on mind-body awareness and building tools to navigate the anxieties and big feelings that can come along with the process.

“They find it so supportive to be among others who are similarly navigating fertility challenges. Just to have that peer support is really validating, and to come away with some real tools for mindfulness practices specific to fertility is really valuable.”

Cleo Guide Karen Lencke on the benefit of support groups

Pregnancy loss can feel like a time warp

Pregnancy loss has a way of distorting time, speeding it way up or slowing everything way down, and turning those in the midst of it on their heads.

When a loss is readily apparent, it can trigger a succession of quick decisions and next steps. “Some families reach out to us to help navigate their decision, or if they’ve had to decide or act immediately, there’s a lot of processing that needs to take place afterward, and we’re able to help with that too,” says Karen.

Alternatively, there can be concerns with a pregnancy’s viability that require further time and evaluation. Such a period of waiting can be especially difficult. As Karen explains, “They’re being sent home without a lot of information, and it creates so much anxiety. It’s this feeling of everything being turned upside down. It’s a really important time to make sure you have support and to understand the information you do have or can gather, which is where our team can be really useful. Whether it’s connecting with the Midwifery Team or just having a space to air those anxieties and the other feelings of sadness and confusion that are coming up.”

It’s okay to have big feelings

Because our culture has tended to minimize the experience of pregnancy loss or hide it away, there’s a tendency for individuals to treat their own experiences in kind. It’s okay to have big feelings. It’s okay to have small feelings. What’s most important is having one’s feelings validated and allowing space to go through them.

“If someone is comfortable sharing what’s happening, we encourage them to get in touch with their manager or HR team because some companies do have leave or specific support available around pregnancy loss, but for other companies, they’re still making that cultural shift.

We help families navigate what feels right in terms of who they want to talk to or how to talk with people about it in a way that feels okay. Pregnancy loss is a big event. It’s appropriate to treat it and grieve it as a loss, and to take time as you would for any other loss.”

For families continuing their journey toward parenthood following a loss, it often comes with more anxiety and questioning of one’s body and its capacity to carry a pregnancy. There can be a lot of sadness and anxiety that reemerges during subsequent attempts to get and remain pregnant, and “that’s really normal and expected and there are places to get support with those feelings,” adds Karen. “If there’s been a previous loss, we’re really mindful of that in terms of the language we use, types of support offered, and what might be coming up for them. An ultrasound may not be exciting to them, or it could even be a source of anxiety. We keep all that in mind and help families prepare accordingly.”

In the same way everyone experiences pregnancy and birth differently, everyone experiences loss differently. With greater awareness, we can all—whether friend, family, a manager, or colleague—better respond to what others are going through.